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EP.02: Why Healing Doesn’t Always Feel Good

Oh, Hey. There we are at episode number two only number two and I have an exhaustive list of themes and topics I would love to discuss with you. What I’m sensing right now is that we need to talk about the healing journey and why healing sometimes doesn’t feel good, good meaning sense of openness, lightness, feeling, cheerful, optimistic, positive emotions that are associated with happiness.

Before I go ahead and start unpacking, why healing doesn’t always feel good, I think it’s important to first share a little bit of a background story. To give you an idea of where I’m coming from; my healing journey and those experiences that shaped me, that have given me a deeper understanding of how to work through some of those challenges.

Some people have a quarter life crisis. There are those who have a midlife crisis. I had what you call a beginning life crisis for most of my youth. 

I was just in a place where I was feeling a lot and I didn’t know what to do with it. I was in the guidance counselor’s office a lot, or I was in the nurse’s office because I struggled with my emotions and it wasn’t until I was 16 years old going on 17 that things started to take a turn for the worst, and by the time I was 17 I hit a place of no return. I needed to step up or whatever it was that was dragging me down was going to take me out. So this sounds a bit dramatic, but in all honesty, it was very serious. So it happened to me as a kid was that I felt a lot of emotion. I was very sensitive to those around me. I took things very personally. I had a very creative mind, but also a very busy mind. 

And there were a lot of thoughts and concepts in my head that didn’t allow me to focus in school. So I had a hard time with my schoolwork because I was always being pulled into the chaos of relationships and people. It was a genius of mine. You know, today I work with people and it’s a skill that I use for good, but at that time I didn’t have any self-mastery with it at all and it was consuming me whole, so the only way that I could function was to essentially create a tunnel vision, which is an addiction and it was in that moment I cut off connection from source and chose to fuel myself by controlling my weight and food. Taking a moment to reflect. When in your life did you choose something, whether it was conscious or unconscious, to cut yourself away from that connection to source and focus on something else to fuel you? 

What I find very interesting as I look back is that I had moments, I felt so powerful. I felt capable when I was interacting with my disorder. I felt seen in a lot of moments by using this tunnel vision. For example, if I was having a followup with a friend or I had a big paper coming up or a test, I would count calories. I would start a new diet or purge and I felt whatever challenge was there, I could handle it and a wave would wash over me feeling like a medicine.

Just helping to take the pain away after being so open as a kid to find something that could take that away felt like a miracle. So I had no plan to really stop this. I felt like I had found some kind of secret until the day came that that fear that was fueling me now had control over me. And the thing that I thought was helping me was slowly killing me. I became macerated. I was 80 pounds at five four I had people in the hallway asked me if I had cancer, if I was going to die. I was very sick and people were concerned like the jig was up. I could no longer hide the secret because I was wearing that. I was not well.

This story could probably go so much deeper, but I want to stay topic here with this theme around why healing doesn’t always feel good. And this is when I started my journey focusing on getting well. And it was the most uncomfortable experience I had ever had because for most of my life I had been focused on losing weight and now I was going to focus on the opposite, which was gaining weight and it wasn’t just about weight. It really was about changing every part of how I was perceiving reality because it was so skewed. My reason for getting better could also be saved for another time, but what I will say was that I discovered my purpose one night just when I was about to give up and it was in that moment I was pushed to face those fears and start to move from love. 

I knew that I needed to move from place of love if I was going to ever help myself and then eventually be able to help others. Maybe you think because I was focused on love, things really changed for the better. The thing was I was letting go of a strategy to run away from myself and my feelings and my thoughts and the challenges of life. I didn’t have any tools to replace that with this. It was really difficult and I wanted to focus on love, but fear was what was programmed in me and what got so strengthened when I was choosing my eating disorder. So it was a process. It was a process of unlearning. It was being in the space of not having anything to cling to, to open myself up when I was so used to shutting down, healing was uncomfortable. But because I didn’t really have a choice to me at that time of my life at 17, 18 it was, I feel this or if I don’t learn how to feel this, I could die. 

And my eating disorder is something that I am grateful for today because it is what pushed me to understand that healing isn’t going to always feel good. Healing is, is a process and I had to deal with it with my physical body and understand how to reset my foundation at such a young age. And that purpose fueled me.

I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to go out that way, but there were some days that I definitely had very negative thoughts and I lost faith so many times I had doubt that I was even worthy of that connection to source, but healing my eating disorder was never about gaining weight. It was about dealing with the things that I couldn’t feel shame, full parts about myself and different traumas that I had had that they didn’t have the tools to work with in that moment. 

Another thing I’ll mention is when I started my healing journey, I did the traditional path. I had an outpatient program that I was enrolled in. So I saw a therapist twice a week. I was working with a nutritionalist. I was getting weighed once a week at my pediatrician’s office and I was coming from an empty cup because I didn’t know anything about alternative healing. I just knew that there was a different way to heal and I was going to find it. I was going to find tools that was going to support me in feeling confident in myself. That was my goal. I wanted to go back to when I felt like I was five years old and I could do anything is even at 18 I had felt like I had just messed up my life and there was again, just so much shame. 

I didn’t think I could recover from it. Alternative healing tools that really supported me was first yoga. In 2006 I found that I wasn’t associating as much my body. I was matching and sinking my breath with movement and I felt strong and more grounded. Then that opened me up to meditation and I started to, you know, sit a little bit longer. At the end of my yoga practice was also curious about not thinking about food and Shavasana and just becoming more aware of my thoughts. As I was meditating, I even ended up going to a Buddhist temple called the Shambala center in Boston, studying Buddhism in my college courses and just diving into a lot of philosophical literature, minoring in philosophy. So I still, you know, somewhat in my head with the philosophy, but it was opening me up to different concepts of living, which eventually I found energy healing that helped me meditate more and the energy healing helped me release a lot of the ways in which I couldn’t necessarily forgive myself and I could start to drop some of those blocks that were, you know, distracting me from connecting with myself and bringing forward some information that was lodged so deep in my subconscious. 

Because healing essentially always comes back to forgiveness. And forgiving is the hardest, most challenging piece. We can only really forgive what we’re aware of. So through energy healing, I was able to go deeper. I was able to see more, I was able to have the capacity to confront these different people in my life that I didn’t know I was even angry at and the different choices that I had made that I was upset with myself about. 

But it came a time where I felt like I was plateauing with the energy work that I was finding. And I was also looking for more structure. Like there was so much more that I wanted to face within myself. I was getting stronger and after college I became a school teacher and I was bringing yoga, mindfulness to schools. I was very much living my purpose. I felt that I was helping others, but it wasn’t making the impact that I really wanted to. And so where there was friction between what I truly wanted and what my life like with what I was experiencing in my life, there was tension and friction there. So I knew there was still more healing. I knew that even though I had, um, had an amazing relationship at that time and was really loved and supported in a lot of ways, that there were also a lot of parts of myself, I still wasn’t celebrating and I was hiding and not truly confident. Still, if you’re in it and you’re fully experiencing life, then healing most likely will be uncomfortable. 

Healing is about growing and growing is always going to be getting out of the comfort zone. Who you think you are, your identity, your mask, your personality, your relationships, your job, anything that you could write down that you think is you healing is about going beyond that. Healing is about forgiving the things that happened in the past. You can step into the person that you truly were designed to be. There’s the word potential that is overused, but you have this possibility to be this amazing person who rises above fear, but you have to be the one that chooses if you’re going to fall into that trap. I’ll admit that in my healing journey, there were a moments I felt like I was dropping to my knees. I was floored. There are just moments where you’re completely challenged. Whether a parent is sick, you have a friend pass away. 

There’s deep trauma that rises to the surface, and maybe in that moment you’re looking for a shortcut. You’re looking for a way to bypass the pain of what you’re going through and when it can say is there’s always a consequence to a shortcut and you never really learn your lesson. If you are able to really lean into the experience that you’re resisting, you may not have to have that same tension ever again. Healing is not about becoming someone else. Healing is always about releasing the layers that are stopping you from being who you were truly designed to be. If you could show up as that person, what does that feel like? What does it look like? Do you know who that person is? Healing will always come back to forgiveness and if you’re not aware of these different aspects of yourself, you can’t really forgive and healing in order to heal. It’s about feeling and if you’re resisting a feeling of you’re resisting to fully be in it, gain conscious or not conscious of that, but if you’re pushing it away you’re never going to get very far and it’s always going to be in this place of limbo.

Now, healing isn’t about being in pain, but healing is about discomfort because it’s in discomfort and discomfort that you can grow if you can’t be cozy and grow at the same time, it’s just not possible.

So if you really want change, if you really want to heal, you have to let it be a little bit uncomfortable and it’s going to feel like it hurts. It’s going to feel like you want to do something else. Anything but clean this up. This pattern, just before recording this, I was on Instagram. I was sliding through some pictures and saw you don’t have to feel everything and the caption was we have to kill up for that and go, okay, this is where our world is. We make jokes, but the honest truth is we’re so used to numbing. It is the norm to not feel or when you feel something arise to push it down or distract.

So if you’re on a path of healing and feeling and facing things that isn’t necessarily what all of society is doing, I salute you. 

Also don’t have to go into a place where you’re overly processing and things always have to be hard. That is also a trap in itself, but the feeling and allowing those processes to happen full circle so things aren’t getting shoved back down and they’re getting expressed in a healthy way. It’s possible. It’s just not going to feel like something you’re used to and if it’s not something you’re used to probably gonna feel really uncomfortable and it feels uncomfortable. It may even hurt a little bit. You might feel tender or raw like the insides of you are getting scraped out because your whole identity and the way that you know how to handle something is changing as you know it and there’s a fear of, well, what’s going to happen on the other side?

Even if it’s not what you want. If you always use the same technique of dealing with something that you don’t want to face, you always know how it’s going to end. You can disappoint yourself, you can hurt yourself, you can stay where you are, but you have that tension and friction of where you really want to be, which is usually what becomes more painful and what causes you to override whatever that coping mechanism is, but it takes a lot of awareness. It takes a lot of strength and that’s why I personally love that I have tools now to snap me back to reality, to help me with combating when I want to slide back into my comfort zone. 

I know now that’s not where I want to be, but it just takes a certain level of strength and readiness to face the things that I wasn’t ready to feel.

You can’t rush. You can’t rush that. Sometimes you can’t rush feeling in certain moments of your life. It’s like a readiness to be able to feel. You can’t rush the process of feeling something completely or expressing something completely. You may just be in that. In between state healing isn’t about feeling good. Healing is about growth and from growth and from living. You can feel joy. Joy is the acceptance of what’s happening. What do you want to label it? Good or bad, but that level of fulfillment, that’s what we’re after.

Healing is less about this temporary, I feel safe and more. I feel freaking alive and ready to face whatever it is that comes my way. The ability to handle stress and a level of worthiness to receive and live your dreams. Why do we do this? Why are we doing this? Well, from my experience and my perspective, when I get on the other side of what I’ve known, there is a life that I have been able to step into that’s so much more fulfilling. 

Money cannot buy that. So even if you put all your money into healing, unless you’re willing to step over that line yourself, you will never obtain that life unless you’re willing to step over that line yourself. You’ll never have. It doesn’t matter how much money and time and reading you do, it takes willpower. It takes willpower and it takes you wanting to experience something for a short period of time because whatever’s on the other side is worth it and you’re willing to experience a short term discomfort for a longterm gain of helping others of being of service. Be able to express yourself more fully because you’re not meant to be in this prison and I don’t want to confuse you that healing should be free. Either you need to have skin in the game.

Empowerment can not be handed over to you. And this process of healing is healing our relationship with power. It’s healing our relationship with source. It was that moment you disconnected from on wonder and you went into surviving and you stopped respecting yourself and you stopped remembering who you were as this fast being that you are. 

And I think back, so I started my healing journey in 2004 and here I am, it’s 2020. My life is so different now. But I would say even from 2004 to 2011 it was still a roller coaster ride. And you know, I, I had tools, because I had yoga and I was meditating, I was teaching yoga, I had different tools that I like picked up through different workshops and things like that because I was a healing and certification junkie.

But in till I found the modern mystery school in 2011 I wasn’t really in myself and I wasn’t really honest. So when I got a life activation in 2011, that’s when I felt that there could be more grace behind the discomfort. Sort of a paradox. I know, but suddenly that alive newness didn’t scare me so much because I could truly see myself. 

And then when I got initiated in 2012, I could experience some of the subtleties and emotions that I had blocked my entire life because I finally could start to feel supported and they were different, um, grounding and anchoring rituals that I was using. So I do give a lot of credit to my ability to face discomfort at the level that I do with these tools, healings, initiations. It has taken a lot of trust and faith that I was getting better, not worse. And you know, when I got life activated, I wouldn’t say it was the most, you know, beautiful wasn’t like a Reiki session, you know, cause I had experienced Reiki before and I was a Reiki teacher and it wasn’t a Reiki session. It was me really unveiling certain things that I wanted to see but also didn’t want to see about myself. But it really was the only way and it’s been the fruits of my life, the things I’ve been able to accomplish because of this inner and outer harmony. 

And it was obvious that there’s something really special here. So I’d love to discuss more about the modern mystery school and mystery school tradition in another episode really soon. Cause it’s a big part of my path and what I offer, what I really stand behind. Because living in discomfort and trying to find willpower, it’s, you’re just not going to find it in a book and you can meditate and there’s a lot of other tools and tricks out there. But when does it become another sophisticated coping mechanism? And when you have things that are rooted in lineage and that really have substance behind it, it can take you a lot further. And I’m so grateful for the teachers and the healers that, um, you know, have showed up in my life on this path and have encouraged me to keep going. When, when, you know, it got hard, it got hard and you know, now I’m supporting others and seeing wow, like it’s not just me, it’s not just my experience. 

I’ve worked with now over a thousand people using these tools, the people that I’ve been had the honor of supporting and now it’s, it’s like clockwork. It’s like, okay, now I know that resistance comes up and frustration comes up and irritation when I’m about to change and things speed up things usually get a little bit more crunchy, but every time I move through it, there is so much that can come, come out, come through, uh, on a creative level, on a heart level. I get stretched, I get expanded and I can hold more. And that holding more is about holding more life, holding more liveliness. And so if you’re going through a tough time, if you’re not sure if it’s worth it, I want you to remember that you are always just one step away from a different experience. This is about a perspective shift and there are catalysts that support you with seeing things as they are seeing you as you are.

And what I experienced, life activation. It’s why I share it. So if this is something that calls to you or brings up curiosity, you know, reach out, you can go to my website and shoot me an email or you can also go to the process page, which explains a little bit more how I work one-on-one.

There is an array of healing sessions that I offer and I do always recommend it’s a process so it’s not going to be like a one and done situation. But there are sessions that can take someone, into a whole different way of handling stress and handling challenges in their life. They do most of my sessions in San Francisco, but there are many practitioners all over the world who share this. And I’ll be talking more about mystery school very soon, like I said, and one of the next upcoming podcasts. But until then, I remind you and invite you to stay uncomfortable and keep growing, and my heart is with you if you’re having a difficult time, but I know that you’re on the edge of something really big. 

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